Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

Only short people can save us

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

I ain’t wearing no wire

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

Nice try, poison.

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.