Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
the council will decide your fate
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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