Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
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“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
This kid will have a bright future.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.