Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Thank you corporation very cool

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate