Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.