MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
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[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work