MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
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Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
