Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist