Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table