Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
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onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably