Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder