Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

who wore it better?

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

this is the news I live for

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?