Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades