Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

Life with a cat in one tweet

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆