Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
oh you wanna fight?!
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.