[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
All generalizations are stupid.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
#catsoftwitter
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?