[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
scrabbled eggs
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My birthstone is kidney
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.