[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I’m aging like a fine banana
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.