[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Smooooooth
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products