[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
😲 WTF? 😆
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.