Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?