Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
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Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
