Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
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*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.