Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
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Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Dolls on drugs
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.