Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you