Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
