Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

That’s enough internet for the day

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself