Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
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Attacked by a mop.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”