Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
You Might Also Like
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct