Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”

Put this video in the Louvre

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii