Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

Solving a traffic jam

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

How to woo a woman

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.