mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems