Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat