Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.