Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

Me trying to reach for my goals

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.