Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

Cold.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”