Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
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Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
The biggest mystery of our time
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that