Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
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RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
pep talk
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]