Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weirdly Wednesday.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.