Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
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[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.