Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
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Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
At ease
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.