Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.