Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
You Might Also Like
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Saturday
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”