Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
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The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Teach your children to beatbox