Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

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Nelly: it’s getting hot in here

me: no it’s not

Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is

me: you have a fever


[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope


Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.


I suggest now is the time to send ISIS some *very* strongly worded emails – then hit them with the biggest petition they’ve ever seen.


ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, “So, I was sitting there eating this salad…”


If someone gives me an answer I don’t agree with I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I assume they didn’t understand the question.


It’s sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.