Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
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Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.