Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.