Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!![]()
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
see next tweet for some translations
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My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
This is always good for a laugh.
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20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up