Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
You Might Also Like
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Cha-ching is my safe word
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*