Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

We’re all getting idioter.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Every damn time

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now