mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
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When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.