Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

Oh thanks BBC.

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.