mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Customize Your Wedding.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
This is true.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Google assistant rules
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?