Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*