Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.