Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”