Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go