Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

What’s the point buying it then?

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?