Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.