Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

This dude got his own movie?

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas