Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
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If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
welp
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.