mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
don’t we all
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
i’m still crying at this
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.