mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
You Might Also Like
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Sheep
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?