Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?