Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
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If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.