Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.