Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
TRAIN’S HERE
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Waiting for the Charmin
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.