Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Leftovers are for quitters!
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Worlds greatest photobomb
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination