Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
car not found
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order