Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

what do you want

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.