Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

This is what makes twitter great

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.