*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
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I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
This guy’s not having it 😆
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Try and stop me.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
✌🏽
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?