MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
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“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
no way 😭
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand