Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

I unironically love this joke.

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!