mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
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She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.