Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

I had to Stop for this

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…